G’day, Folks!

Julia Gillard Picture

Image via Wikipedia

I’m rather delighted at waking up this morning to find a counter-attack to my Open Letter To Julia Gillard. This gentleman apparently found my article worthy of a reply. He took the time and put forth the effort to compose a rather witty rebuttal. I am flattered! I must say, however, that I am rather disappointed with myself. In my haste to address Prima Minister Julia’s sputtering, I did not clarify my position well enough. After reading my own article, I can very well see how someone would assume that I am anti-Australian. For that, I sincerely apologize.

I should have taken the hint yesterday, when a friend told me that she was embarrassed for being Australian after reading my open letter. I told her that there was no reason for being embarrassed. Everyone in the world knows how Aussies are passionately against whaling. I have been hearing idiotic rhetoric from politicians for quite some time as to why they are not doing something for our planet. Julia’s statement was simply what made my tea kettle finally whistle. My letter was in no way intended for the citizens of Australia. It was directed specifically at Gillard and it was a statement to all politicians to get off of their thrones and actually do something.

If there is anyone who should be embarrassed, it should be the politicians. Captain Paul Watson is down in the Southern Ocean with three vessels crewed by volunteers. That within itself makes Gillard and her staff look plain stupid! For her to release such a statement is absurd. Think about it! If the sheriff told his deputies to stay inside while good decent people were having to conduct citizen’s arrests, wouldn’t it be outlandish for him to publicly announce to the press that, “It’s dangerous out there and nobody’s coming to save their butts”?

What about New Zealand? Where are they? Hell! For that matter, any government can send their Navy down there because we all know what the Australian and New Zealand governments will do. Nothing! They will just sit back and say really stupid things! That is the extent of their commitment to ocean conservation in their own back yards. I’m willing to bet that their Navy and Coast Guard are really upset about having to keep themselves at bay while illegal whaling is being perpetrated in their neck of the woods.

So, what about it? I am calling all of you other countries out! Send some vessels down there for the good of the planet! Help save some lives! Protect the Whale Sanctuary for the Whales! Do it for your children and your countries children. Don’t worry about territories and boundaries. The whalers don’t. Besides, the most that could possibly happen is that Julia Gillard or some other stuffed shirt will make a statement. Whoopdy doo! Who the hell cares? Let them release their special little statements. You can make a difference in this world and the world will thank you. You will go down in history for doing “the right thing.”

And now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Here it is: uncut, in all its wit and candor. May I introduce to you Mr. Eric Carwardine’s counter attack to my Open Letter To Julia Gillard. After all, I am sure I deserve every word of it. Oh! One other thing. “Prima” was not a typo.

G’day, folks;
Prime Minister Julia Gillard may not be the brightest tool in the shed but she is an Australian. I had no hesitation in counter-attacking this “open letter to PM Julia Gillard”

Avoiding Whale War I
It was an American who got the Japanese back to eating whalemeat.

You dinkum?

Yes, Prime Minister. General Douglas MacArthur. After the war. Japanese were starving. He had to find them something to eat.

Well, well. Do you think this Holise bloke knows that?

I have no idea, Prime Minister.

So, should I go down to the Southern Ocean, like he says?

Definitely not, Prime Minister.

Oh? Why not?

Whales seduce humans. Human stops boat, to cuddle whale. Boat gets rammed – sinks. Whale laughs, swims away.

Oh. That’s not cricket, is it?

No, Prime Minister.

So what should I do?

Suggest an alternative ‘good work’, Prime Minister. Like the one you told me about, to help dogs and birds.

Ah, yes. Where’s that picture?

Here, Prime Minister … click here

It’s awful. Why aren’t there enough trees?

All cut down, Prime Minister. Don’t you remember? To help the birds.

Ah … yes. Birds waste energy flying over or around trees in their flightpath. Now I remember.

Exactly, Prime Minister. And part of that energy comes from eating the crops that humans plant.

Yeah … geese in the rice, galahs in the wheat. Bloody birds!

True, Prime Minister. The trees had to go.

But what about the dogs? Where will they go?

I suggest, Prime Minister, that we ask the Japanese to teach us their art of bonsai.

Bonsai? What, you mean grow miniature trees?

Exactly, Prime Minister. So that the tallest tree is just tall enough to accommodate the tallest dog but not so tall as to inconvenience birds.

So … we stay friends with the Japanese, Whale War I is avoided, dogs are happy, birds are happy, whales carry on laughing at humans and swimming away. Anybody unhappy?

Hmm … possibly Holise. He’ll be disappointed he couldn’t goad you into bashing-up the Japanese.

Watch out the Iranians instead, you reckon?

Possibly, Prime Minister, possibly. It all depends on how Obama is polling.

Hey, that’s brilliant! You know, you could be the next Prime Minister.

I know, Prime Minister, I know!

© 2011. Eric Carwardine



Support Sea Shepherd Conservation Society

SUPPORT Sea Shepherd Conservation Society!