Half of Me


butterflies (Photo credit: Morgan Rochele)

For the past few months, I have been lost. I’ve not been myself and I’ve come to realize that I don’t even know who I am. I haven’t been writing much because I have lost my inspiration. I’ve tried filling the void by playing video games and, on occasion, drinking. I’ve even engaged in verbal battles with dear friends.

I’ve done a few things online, but it was only to keep my mind busy. Every day has been embarked upon with one goal in mind — to forget. I have spent my every waking moment trying to forget that I am half a person. Sleeping hasn’t been easy, but being awake has been the hardest part of all. On days when I had managed to almost forget what I had lost, my subconsciousness and my heart had not forgotten one bit. My worst days where when I had awakened from a wonderful dream.

I would dream that everything was okay. I dreamed that my better half was still with me. I dreamed that the love of my life was nearby, only to wake and find that it was nothing more than my heart making a desperate wish.

These last few months have given me time to reflect and surmise that I have been anything but a good husband. I’m not perfect. I’m far from it. I don’t listen very well and I am quick to speak without considering the feelings of others. While this may seem trivial to some, it is most certainly not a petty issue when it causes you to lose that which you hold dear.

I have also come to find out just how hopelessly in love I am and there is nothing that I can do to forget that. Despite my every effort to be strong, I have been weakened in the light of knowing that I love my wife more than life itself. I can’t function properly without her. I can’t think straight. I can’t live.

I am so deeply in love with precious my wife.

I am so deeply in love with my precious wife.

Last week, when I was near the end of my rope, Jenni contacted me and told me that she wanted to see me. She came to get me here in Ocala and we went to her place. I spent a few glorious days with her, Kyra, Zues and a frisky kitty named Midnight.

We are taking things slow. We are simply spending some time together to get to know each other again and to work things out. It may take days, weeks or months but I am putting all of my heart and soul into this because I just have to. If I lose her this time I will no longer have a heart or a soul and, as things stand, I really don’t care about much else right now. I need her so much!

You won’t see much of me online anymore. I have done what I set out to do. Everything that you need to know —everything that I have wanted to share— is somewhere on this website. Much of it is obvious. Some of it is hidden between the lines of sole interpretation. The site will stay here, my newspapers will continue to run automatically and all my accounts will stay open but I will be scarce. It will be very difficult to get in touch with me, especially if I am with my beloved. When in her company, I will be devoting all of my attention to her. I will be listening intently to her every word. I will be looking upon her beautiful face and everything else will be put on hold indefinitely.

Besides, how can I help save the world if I can’t even save my own marriage?